And then it was gone or Yes, yes, I remember
by menz815
Summary: Spoilers up to the 5x15 promo. A look at the reasons why Jack would want to change the past and Kate wouldn't.


A/N: After the last episode, I starting thinking about the reasons why Jack would want to change the past and why Kate wouldn't. I know a lot of them don't have to do with Jate. I think Jack wants to prevent all the deaths and the horrible things the survivors have had to go through and I think Kate doesn't want to go to jail.

But, I also think a lot of it has to do with their relationship, so I tried to explore that in this fic. The first section is from Jack's POV and the second section is from Kate's POV.

A special thanks to Lette for giving me some help on the Jack portion of this fic ;)

Disclaimer: Don't own Lost or the characters.

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_One…._

He didn't want to remember that day he told her to stay behind, but she came anyway. He didn't want to remember how it felt to see that bag being yanked off, her hair all a mess, to see the gun trained at her head, to see her trembling in that man's grasp. Because that was the first time he had ever really felt out of control, not just because that man could kill her at any moment, with no remorse, no turning back. No, because in that moment, he realized how much he loved her, and from that there really was no turning back.

_Two…._

He didn't want to remember a similar day when an identical bag was taken off her head. He didn't want to remember how his heart hammered in his chest just at the sight of her, how frustrated he was that he couldn't just reach out through that glass and wrap her in his arms. He didn't want to remember yelling at her, at driving her away, for asking her to be so strong when she had come to him for help. He didn't want to remember seeing her wrapped in Sawyer's arms. Because that was the moment he realized, it wasn't what he was, it was what he wasn't that had brought them here.

_Three…. _

He didn't want to remember the day he walked out her door because he remembered a time when he would have done anything to make her feel better (_what's a garden without guava?_), a time when he would have physically harmed anyone who had caused her pain (_did they hurt you?_). But, when he had looked at her with Aaron clutched in her arms, her face shining with the tears she had shed, he had known that he had been the one to hurt her, and that hurt worse than any beating ever could.

_Four…. _

He didn't want to remember the way her hand felt against his skin as she smacked him hard across the face. Because the slap wasn't what had smarted; it was knowing that the pain she had tried to just cause him was only a fraction of the pain he had caused her. He had felt the tenderness of her fingertips as they danced lightly over his cheek and neck, tingling with the fire of her touch. But this was a whole new kind of fire, and now he just wanted it to burn until all that was left was ash that could be swept off in the wind.

_Five._

But most of all, he didn't want to remember that first day when she walked out of the jungle, dressed in white, just like an angel, his angel. Because he hadn't realized the gaping hole in his life until she had sewn him back together.

…_.and then it was gone. _

He just wanted to forget.

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_One…._

She wanted to remember that day when her world had fallen to pieces, when she thought she had gone crazy. She wanted to remember the way he grabbed her and brought her close, murmuring softly into her ear that she would be alright. She wanted to remember the feel of his stubble on her fingertips and the taste of his lips and tongue. She even wanted to remember running away. Because, even though the world was spinning and she didn't know which way was up as she ran through what felt like an endless row of trees, she had known one thing for certain. She never wanted to run from him again.

_Two…._

She wanted to remember that night in the game room. She wanted to remember his indifference, even though it had chilled her to see him treat her so coldly. She wanted to remember how he relaxed to her touch, how he grasped her hand firmly in his, how he scanned her face with his haunted eyes. Because it was only then that she realized how her actions had affected him, that you can break someone's heart without ever saying a word. And when he leaned down and whispered in her ear, so close his breath tickled her neck, she knew that even though he was distant, he would never abandon her (_but I will come back here for you_), and that was the first time in her life that she didn't feel alone.

_Three…._

She wanted to remember the day they called for rescue. She wanted to remember the blister she got on the bottom of her foot from the rock in her shoe even though she had walked a full mile without even realizing it was there. She wanted to remember the way he tried to make her feel better about Sawyer when in actuality, she was upset because of him, because of the kiss he had shared with Juliet. She wanted to remember the kamikaze look on his face as he dove in and said those words (_because I love you_). Because she never thought she would have a second chance, but he had offered so much forgiveness that he trusted her with his heart.

_Four…._

She wanted to remember the year they lived together as a family. She wanted to remember the early morning coffee in the kitchen before he kissed her and went off to work. She wanted to remember the days at the park with Aaron when Aaron would squeal with laughter as he pushed him higher and higher. Aaron used to say, _"Mommy, Jack can make me fly!",_ and she never said it, but she always thought, _"me too."_ She wanted to remember the night he woke her up and asked her to marry him. Because she had never felt so loved as she had that night when he crawled into bed and brought her close, the last thing she saw before she drifted back to sleep being the shimmer of the diamond in the dark.

_Five…._

But most of all, she wanted to remember that first day when she walked out of the jungle and saw him. Because he had seen her. After so many years of trying and most of the time succeeding at being invisible, he saw her, every bit of her. And when he said _"you're not running now"_ she somehow got the feeling that he knew her better than she even knew herself. Months later, as she gripped a walkie in her raw hands, she had told him, _"you fixed her, you saved her"_, but she had really meant herself. Because on that first day, he had shown her all she could be, and day by day helped her to believe it. She wasn't broken anymore.

…_.yes, yes I remember!_

She never wanted to forget.

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Please review if you have time!


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